sex, drugs and cupcakes.

I have experienced my first real heart break. The shatter of what feels like a bunch of worlds colliding into one.

The last kiss; the stare the talk the look. Not goodbye, but definatly “end”.

I’m self tourturing myself by listening to all the songs him and I listened to on our sex/drug escapades. And even though I’m crying, because I’m sad (duh), I don’t have that heavy heart feeling I once did. My chest isn’t pounding and I don’t think I’m sad for all the reasons I should be sad. I’m just sad because this is sad; no one likes good byes. Okay and yes, I’m sad I’m not going to be seeing him anymore. I’m sad because we are over. Now everything we once said and did are all just a memory (our first date at Shakeys. Getting high at Vons and eating all there pasteries. Buying weed together at the shop. Munchies. The slice of my finger. Northpark nights. Getting fucking LIT off our asses, etc etc you get the fucking hint)

I guess you can also say I’m sad because, this was the first guy to tell me he loved me. To tell me how beautiful I was. Leo told me he loved me too, but this was different. That was 18 crazy love shit. Javier did look into my eyes and said “I love you”.  And then it was goose trade; heart you too. I could never really say it back. And the one time I did, I cried. And then he cried. And then he told me I was beautiful. That I deserved to be treated great. I deserved greatness.

… Funny how all that has changed now. I saw the burden and the guilt in his eyes tonight. I saw pain inflicted into his membrane. The velvet ropes of butterflies; I let him go. I just let, him go.

… Now when you really sink that in, then the pain starts to hurt. Then those are real sad tears. When your not balling but have that stupid one strain tear bullshit.

But I’m not mad. Or angry. I was. But now, not so much. I get the gift of life. Without him, I do not get to open my pink bow laying outside. For once, I must look at it like this; Daddy doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t not want you in this world. Daddy just had other arrangements and had to go bye byes. But before he left, he left a box outside with a pink bow. And when I opened it, there was you. And he couldn’t have left a better gift; the other half to my heart.”

I believe the last time my heart was full, was way back when my Mom was around. And when she left, part of my heart did too. Now, I get it back. Though its unfortunate, its not the end of the world. My mothers not coming back but at least I can have a glimpse of her in another form of life. And that, I can always thank my Goose for.

So for everyone who thinks I’m mad or I’m sad, I’m not, though it wouldn’t be anyone business to jump into conclusions. For everyone who is worried or concerned; don’t be. Because I will be just fine. This isn’t the end of my world. This isn’t really the worst thing to happen to me anyways, more so just hilarious. Like haha this WOULD happen. And its OKAY. Its LIFE not DEATH. Or even the END. This is the BEGINING; weakness is NOT the OPTION. I have to be strong for the both of US because without me, who else is she going to look to? And just like my father, I will arise from all the pain and bullshit and look at the brighter side; you can’t sweat all the small stuff. And trust me, its small.

He’s not a bad guy. He’s not a horrible father. He isn’t even a shitty person. He just isn’t ready. And that is okay. Because that is honesty, its real. And it means I let him go because I could not keep him for my own selfiness. He has his life… And so do I.

Everything is going to be alright. Things will be just fine. Just fine.

I’ll miss you Goose. I definatly. Will miss you. “You can make it click, making me pop” 

About to see Javier after not seeing him in a full 7 days. After not talking to him for 2 days. I hope his face isn’t as fucked up anymore because niggas gonna get it from me and then my brother. Assfuck.

But I wish these butterflies went away. UGH WHAT THE FUCK.

die die die DIE. DIE MOTHERFUCKER.

I couldn’t get through this without any of you:)

Makes me wish I came clean a long time ago. Or that I was a better friend, but I hope everyone knows I’m still the same crazy hostile bitch, just got mommy under my belt now. But I also hope that my friendships and relationships with people don’t go away or change either. Still hopping that the people who were there from day 1 still stay.

Big shoutout to my baby Daddy Melly Mel Mel (Twinz), whose been my biggest rock sense I found out about all this shit. Whose been actually my biggest fan sense I could remember. Promoting my crazy antics, silly retarded drives to LA, getting lost… everywhere. Sleepovers with Selena to cure a broken heart. Angry talks about stupid ass Mexican boys. Always picking up my shit:) Letting me puke wherever and always having a cup of water in hand. This is my main bitch and I know, through everything, she won’t be going anywhere. I couldn’t be more grateful. This is someone anyone is lucky to call friend. (Niggas better realize I WILL KILL ANYBODY THAT FUCKS WITH HER I DONT GIVE A SHIT. I WILL. KILL YOU. End.)

I just want my friends. Tired of being locked in my house because I’m on fucking bedrest. Shits annoying. And seriously, this alien baby needs to like, stop giving me such a hard time AND LET ME EAT. George won’t let me eat Taco Bell every fucking day, god damn.

… But Nana will. :)))))

I hope you know that one day your child will never call you Daddy, or father and you will never recieve a picture or a note from me on Fathers Day, Christmas and birthdays. I hope you know that I will never forgive you for being a shitty person and leaving me at the fucking gate and not taking ownership in what is in your half doing.

I hope you know I will never forgive you. Your child will know you as a ghost. A dead corpse that we do not praise or cherish or even think about. I hope you know, we do not need you.

Your daughter and I do not need you. We do not need your half ass lazy commitment, your drug influenced money, a card on mothers day, your support, or even your smile on a gloomy day. We do not need a damn thing from you. WE WILL BE JUST FINE WITHOUT YOU.  Your name will not be needed on this child birth certificate.

Don’t think I think of you late at night. Don’t think I don’t cry myself to sleep knowing you left me, to get back with your “other” family. Do not think for a fucking second, that I will think of you a day after your child is born. Do not think I will ever be with you again. You are never allowed in the gates of our hearts. You are simply doing us a favor by acting you never existed.

Your child will one day call someone else Daddy. I will have a ring on my finger and call my love my husband. We will have moved far away from your existence and will not remember the day you were born. Better yet, the day that you left us.

I will not have you around this human being I call MINE at all. They will never know you. We will never know you. And because of that, you will never see a rainbow in all the days of your life. I pray to God you have nothing more than grey and rainy days. We do not love you; never have and never will.

Thank you for all that you do, now please, fuck off and leave me alone.

nbdz.

Missing my stupid fucking Goose already. I MISS MY JAVIER, FUCK.

I’m in such desperate need of money, I’m probably going to go to the pawn shop and give some of my rings away.

The shit that doesnt mean anything to me anymore. Nothing of my mothers, obviously, but more so the coins I saved over the years and the diamond ring my Aunt gave me for my 8th grade promotion.  I keep thinking if its fucked up that I’m doing this (this is not for weed money, please) but the answer no keeps posting around my little brain. I’m not sad about giving any of my belongs up for someone else to have, but more so that I would rather have food on the fucking table for my brother sister and Dad.

I have become increasingly upset the past couple of weeks, watching my father work so fucking hard and not get a fucking dime back from God. Seriously. I’ve seen my Dad work his fucking ass off just to put a nice roof over our heads and a hearty meal to feed us every night, but what about him? Who is making sure my Dad stays afloat, is happy, feed and has a roof OVER his head? Im sure the answer should be himself, duh dumbass, because hes a man. Hes the adult in this game. But hes my father. And hes old. Not old old, but old. And alone.

… I live in a society where all my friends parents have encouraged there childern to go to school, get an education, move out, etcetcetc. But my fathers? Stay home, let me support you. You stick with your blood. You don’t do anything for yourself, but only for the good of the family. You go to school, to support your family, you get a job, to support your family, you dont do ANYTHING for yourself.. Unless it leads to supporting your family.

So, its always hillarious to tell all my friends that one day, I’ll sacarfies my own happiness, my own life, my own anything, to make sure that MY family doesnt fucking sink.

If I have to work a “adult job” forget my own dreams (to remind my sister and brother of theres) to stick around year after year to help my Dad (he can’t do it alone) then shit, I’ll do it. To see them happy, is really my own happiness to. 

“You’ll be fine, but take care of the family. Its yours now, I give you my life for theres.”

The sentence thats constantly in my head… Take care of whats yours. Take care. Of whats. Yours.  Do not let the temptations of the world, the evils of people, or any of that other bullshit tare you down and what you have worked so hard to not only make but to keep. I’ll be damned… I’ll be so fucking damned if anyone trys to fuck with my little pot of sunshine. ITS BEEN 10 YEARS, DONT FUCK WITH IT.

Some sort of skin, touching mine.

Sort sort of affection, some sort of touch.

Just fuck my brains stupid please.

Line after line. Bowl after bowl. Eat me. Line. Bowl. Sex. Line. Bowl. Sex.

Dreamworld. Twirling and tossing; kissing and blowing.

It aight even funny anymore, damnt.